These questions were asked following the Teisho on precepts and ethics, published last week
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Becoming Intimate with our Mistakes
Q: From my experience, it is quite easy to cause suffering to others accidentally. So if someone has taken the Bodhisattva vows, what should they do if they find themselves making mistakes?
A: Well, that’s a very good question. The Bodhisattva vows are phrased in such a way that they are impossible to fulfil, to make you realise that your ego cannot do this. Mistakes are inevitable. They are an opportunity to be aware. In Buddhism, there is a ceremony of repentance which is used to recognize and acknowledge mistakes, and to let them pass. Zen meditation itself is an act of repentance, known as ‘formless repentance’.
So when you make a mistake, notice you’ve made a mistake. Acknowledge it. Notice the way it causes suffering for you and for others, and let it go. This is slightly glib and easy to say, but can be very powerful: Sometimes letting it go means suffering the pain again during Zen meditation. The pain of guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-hatred that goes with seeing our weaknesses and failings. And then it passes. This can take years if it’s something that’s pretty serious. This is what formless repentance is. We become deeply intimate with the mistakes we make, so much so that we may feel the pain more. And then it passes. You let go of the pain, the pain passes, and then you make another mistake.
‘Awakening is mistake after mistake after mistake.’ We become aware of our mistakes. Not being awake is also mistake after mistake after mistake – but you don’t notice. They stay with you. They do not pass, do not transform.
Creating space for what must emerge
Q: You spoke about feeling emotional pain in Zen meditation. Is this a process? If you are sitting in Zazen and feeling a bit shit, is there a point to that or should you be feeling better? Are you processing emotions?
A: It depends on what you mean by process. Deshimaru used the phrase that ‘Zazen wears out our Karma’. I would say that the most visceral experience I’ve had of this is that emotions arise, and I feel them again quite powerfully during Zazen, and then pass. And then those emotions maybe have less power, or at least the source of those emotions has less power. So you could call that processing, but it’s not the same as psychotherapy, where we engage in some way through thought processes and analysis depending on the therapeutic technique. The process happens more like a fermenting vat. It is a natural process that you create space to allow to happen, rather than something your mind engages with in a conscious, discursive way. It is simply creating space for what needs to emerge. It is not fighting it. It is not studying it. It is not repressing it. It is allowing it to naturally take its course. Zen meditation opens the space for this to happen.
Letting go of Rigid Faith
Q: I have a sense of faith, and its just part of my life. You say not to cling on to the vows too tightly. You say don’t get too wrapped up in reading Zen books. Are you saying, just live our life as it is, in the moment?
A: Yes. And also: practice Zen meditation wholeheartedly. If you don’t practice Zazen, it doesn’t matter what you read, it doesn’t matter what you do, it doesn’t matter what you say – you aren’t a Zen Buddhist. We face the reality of life, as it is, through practice. In the end, that is what defines us as a sangha, a spiritual community.
We all engage through faith in different ways at different times – I did as well – where we hold more tightly to different aspects of the tradition and the teachings. There might be phases where you get very into some aspect. It might be the Kesa (the robe we wear and sew by hand), the forms of ceremony, reading a certain book you find inspiring – and that is ok, as long as you see it as a kind of mind-game that you pass through. Maybe there are certain times in your life where actually holding rigidly to some of the Vows would be helpful to get you through something. You can be quite firm with yourself at times. But in the end, it’s not seeing that as something that defines you. It’s something that you pass through as part of your journey. And from our point of view, the place you go to allow this letting-go is the practice of Zen meditation. That is what defines us.
Q: Zen speaks of not clinging rigidly to things, ‘not always so’; but is there an inherent danger that someone can say ‘I can do anything I feel like’ and go to a retreat every couple of years? How do you personally find that middle ground?
A: My first teacher, Nancy, was very clear. I remember her complaining about people who would use this flexibility in Zen teaching just to feed their ego, to justify themselves. This must be avoided.
You are speaking of a balance between practice being too loose, or too tight. I think there are two answers to that: Firstly it’s about one’s own self awareness, and notice how one makes mistakes, and then other people can pick you up on it. Secondly, if you have a teacher, part of the teacher’s job is to do this. If you are being a bit too loose, they encourage you to engage in a bit more discipline. And if you’re being a bit too rigid, encouraging you to let go a bit. The teachers words might not be a direct command, but simply saying something to make you more aware.